I knew I was in trouble when a grocery store cashier looked at me one day and said, “You’re an engineer, aren’t you?” How did she know? What was there about my persona that branded me as an engineer? I didn’t have a pocket protector, and I didn’t wear horn-rimmed glasses, but my “techie engineer” qualities were apparently tattooed like a bar code on my forehead. Somewhere deep in my psyche, I knew she had not given me a compliment. She had a judgment about engineers and  part of me shared the judgment that engineers were somehow defective as human beings.

Shortly after the cashier scanned my bar code, I had the opportunity to sit in conference with a wonderful bunch of people who were connected with an organization called Earthstewards. Their founder, Danaan Parry, had died of a heart attack a year earlier, and the conference objective was to explore what to do with the organization now that its charismatic leader was no longer there.

I listened intently as one person after another spoke with deep passion about what should happen to the organization. Everyone spoke from their hearts and there was this deep sense of connection developing in the room; but old Engineer Bob was getting confused. I could hear the emotion, but I could not hear not much common sense emerging from all the passion. I could, however, hear common themes. So I went deep into my analytical left brain and was able to sum up all that had been said in the past two hours in about four sentences. There were (at least in my imagination) gasps of awe. “How did you do that?” one person asked. “Wow, that was great!” said another.

For the first time in my life, a bunch of right brained people were giving me feedback that my left brain engineer actually provided value. My inner geek lit up. Way cool!

Looking back on this experience, I realize that I had “bought the lie”. I had taken on the belief that engineers are shallow and geeky and somehow “not as good as regular people”. As I got feedback from the other attendees, I heard that my engineer side had at least some value; but the lie was so deep and had been reinforced so many times that by the late 1990’s I was ready to turn my back entirely on over 30 years of experience as a software developer and become a personal coach. Luckily, a friend of mine asked me, “What do you do without getting paid for it, simply because you love it?”

I realized there were two answers to his question: I do lots of personal growth work, primarily with The Mankind Project, and I write computer programs that help run businesses. Weird combination, but they balance each other out. I realized that the truth about my engineer side is that I know how to build complex database driven software applications, and I like doing it. That side of me can provide useful services to local businesses and keep me from having to stand on the corner with cardboard sign saying “Will code for food”.

Flipping over to the personal growth side, I was on staff for one of the Mankind Project’s “New Warrior Training Adventure” weekends recently and the leader of the weekend asked us, “What’s the lie you tell yourself, and what’s the truth?” It turned out to be a simple but powerful set of questions that have helped me reframe many of my old beliefs. For example, my Dad was a perfectionist. If I brought home a report card with three A’s and a B, his immediate question was, “Why not four A’s?” And when my brother did bring home four A’s, Dad responded, “Why not A+’s?”

As a child, I didn’t understand my father’s intention. All I heard, was “You aren’t good enough.” Only now can the old dog look back and realize that my Dad’s questions weren’t intended to make me feel small. Instead, he wanted to empower me and help me stretch. I know that he was deeply proud of me, but the lie I took on was that “I’m not good enough… I’m not worthy.”

So here’s the new trick: look the lie straight in the eye and see through it to the truth beneath it. The truth is that I am a pretty good man, and as worthy as the next man of being respected and blessed. Owning the lie makes me feel small and weak. Owning the truth fills me up and helps me stand honestly in my adult manhood.

Did I just say “Blessed?” I guess that’s another new trick I have learned… the power of blessing people. All it takes is seeing them and acknowledging the beauty of what I see. I can’t wait for my granddaughter to bring me her first report card. I don’t care what it says because now I know that what she wants from me is very simple. She just wants to be loved and blessed; and old dogs are good at that. Arf!

Originally published in the October, 2007 edition of the Bellingham Business Journal. Republished here by permission. Link: http://www.thebellinghambusinessjournal.com/october2007/jones.php

Saturday, September 29, 2007 11:38:33 PM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)      Comments [0]  Humanity | Small Busines Owner

I turned 61 recently, and although many of my friends tell me that I don’t look my age, I sure feel it. I had to give up skiing a few years ago because my cartilage-deficient knees couldn’t handle the stress, and I cannot backpack anymore because the stenosis in my lower back won’t allow me to carry anything heavier than my laptop without bending me over like Walter Brennan. And for those of you who don’t follow my reference to Walter Brennan, well, you are probably way younger than I am, and your time is coming. But in spite of the tricks I can no longer perform, I have learned a new one that fills me with joy, excitement and a healthy sense of terror.

I have been an entrepreneur of some sort for the better part of 25 years, but I always managed to rig the game so that I was a solo player or I had a partner to share the risks with. Whenever my business needed to hire someone, that responsibility always fell (at least partly) on my partner. I had the game rigged so that I never had to take full responsibility for all aspects of my business. I always had an out, until now.

At the end of 2003, I co-founded DeWaard and Jones Company with Dick DeWaard. True to form, we were 50-50 partners, and all key decisions were made jointly. This had the effect of slowing down our (my) decision making process substantially, but we made pretty good decisions. Unfortunately, however, if we could not agree, nothing happened, and this lead to rising frustration and relationship tension.

By 2007, it was becoming apparent that something needed to shift. Although Dick comes from a family of entrepreneurs (Jake DeWaard, founder of DeWaard and Bode was Dick’s dad), Dick himself had no real stomach for it. So we reached an agreement that allowed Dick to step into an individual contributor role and I stepped up to take full responsibility for running the business, and for paying Dick a healthy premium for his part in helping to make this all happen.

So here I am at 61 and taking full responsibility for my life and my business… for the first time in my life. Now for many of you reading this, that may be a big “So what?” There are over 10,000 small businesses in Whatcom County alone, so I have lots of company. But there is a piece of Jungian “Shadow” here that I want to bring into the light.

In my 40+ years in the computer industry, I have worked for many businesses as an employee and even more as a consultant. I have seen firsthand how dysfunctional most businesses can be and how easy it is to create a win-lose or lose-lose environment that de-motivates and discourages people. The pointy-haired manager in the Dilbert cartoons is someone I know way too well. I have even seen him in my bathroom mirror on too many occasions.

Why is it that such a huge percentage of all businesses seem to be such toxic places to work?

I have been looking at this question for over 20 years now, and I freely admit that much of my interest (or even obsession) with this question goes way back to my family of origin. The difficulties I saw between my parents had a huge impact on me as a child, and I promised myself way back then that I would do everything I could to break this cycle of abuse that seems to infect so many families.

Noble as this goal may seem, I found countless ways to miss the mark and inflict my own personal form of spousal and parental craziness on my wife and children. But I kept working on myself, and slowly I made a deep shift.

I realized many years ago that I was wired with the belief that people with power will abuse that power. I need look no further than the evening news every night to see evidence of the truth of that belief. But I also learned that abusing power is a choice. Often it is not a conscious choice, but it is a choice none-the-less. So power does not have to be abused. It just happens that abusing one’s power is often easier than using it wisely.

So for me to break the chain of abuse, I had lots of work to do; and frankly, I was scared. I wasn’t sure I was up to the challenge.

In late 2001, I attended a weekend-long training put on by the Mankind Project called the “New Warrior Training Adventure”. During the training, I realized that my fear of stepping into leadership was a choice that was limiting my experience of life. I was always stepping half-way into leadership, but holding back a full commitment to take personal responsibility for the impact and consequences of my leadership. My fear of abusing power and hurting people limited me and kept me small.

Over the years since that training, I have dedicated thousands of hours to the Mankind Project and they have paid off. I felt my comfort zone expanding and my integrity deepening and my leadership skills growing. I learn to look at my mistakes and accept them without shaming myself. I learned the difference between discernment and judgment and how discernment can serve me and judgment can limit me. But most importantly, I learned to listen deeply to myself.

So now it’s time for some new tricks. I own 100% of my business and I am responsible for making all the choices and taking all of the consequences of those choices. Scary? You bet. But it’s also very empowering. At 61, I have learned that I can still learn and grow. I can still step into new challenges and even learn new tricks. Way cool. Arf!

Originally published in the September, 2007 edition of the Bellingham Business Journal. Republished here by permission. Link: http://www.thebellinghambusinessjournal.com/september2007/jones.php

Monday, July 16, 2007 11:35:56 PM (Pacific Standard Time, UTC-08:00)      Comments [0]  Humanity | Old Dog, New Tricks | Small Busines Owner