About a month ago, I pulled together 28 men from around the Mankind Project to come to Bellingham and listen to Jim Mitchell teach a class called “The Balanced Man.” In the class, Jim presented a wonderful panoply of tools and ground rules for living a better life.

One ground rule Jim offered is, “Fire your rep.” What he means by this phrase is that each of us has a part of us that wants to manage other people’s perception of us. It’s as if we have our very own sales representative out there selling ourselves to other people. The problem with our rep, though, is that most people can see right through it, either consciously or unconsciously. At some level, when they know they are dealing with the part of us that wants to manipulate them somehow, they will trust us less.

So what motivates our rep? What drives us to show you pieces of us that aren’t real? Even more importantly, what’s would happen if we let each other see us as we really are? As a man in this culture, I have been trained that if I let you really see me, warts and all, you will see me as weak and attack me. During my teenage years, this belief was reinforced over and over again. So I grew a “rep” to keep you at a distance and make myself safe… or at least give myself the illusion of safety.

What if my assumption that being open and vulnerable means that others will attack me is not entirely true? Is it possible that being open and honest about who I really am will create the kinds of relationships that I deeply desire? Let’s explore that question.

I believe that each of us is made up of many parts. Some parts of each person are beautiful and brilliant. Everybody has something in or about them that makes them stand out in their own unique way. For some of us, those parts may be very large, and for many of us, they may be only small parts; but we all have something that is pretty special. Depending on what our parents taught us, we may let those brilliant parts of us out, we may over-hype them, or we may hide them away.

And we have some parts that are, truth be told, a bloody mess. There are parts of me that I carry deep judgments about. Whenever I touch those parts, my inner critic goes, “Boy did you screw that up again!” My rep is certainly not going to let you see those screwed up parts of me, but they are still sitting in the room with me, wherever I am.

The rest of us is average, plus or minus. With 6.9 billion people in the world, the likelihood that any part of us is perfect is pretty darn small, and if we did make it to the top of the heap in any one area, we become a very big target for others to shoot at.

Now my inner critic doesn’t want you to know that I am really just an average guy, and it certainly doesn’t want you to see how screwed up parts of me are; so it instructs my rep to go sell you an illusion. This is probably not a great way to build friends and influence people.

So let’s explore the alternative. What if I stopped listening to my inner critic and held myself with some compassion? What if I trusted you as being capable of making whatever choices you want to make about me and just let you see me as I really am? Some folks may see this as a sign of weakness and attack, but I haven’t seen that happen in a very long time. And if we develop a solid sense of personal boundaries, we can easily protect ourselves from this type of attack. Some people will not have a clue how to deal with us. They may put on what Jim Mitchell called the “goat face” and stare at us as if they had just encountered an alien from the planet Zork. But strangely and perhaps counter-intuitively, most people will feel safer. When we can see that we share a common humanity, it connects us. Intimacy and compassion are possible. In short, good things happen.

So now to the cool part. Jim has given me permission to take his teachings into the community and Whatcom Community College has given me a green light to teach a class I will call “Ground Rules for a Better Life” this fall. “Fire your rep” is only one of many ground rules and tools Jim taught. Look for my class when the catalog comes out. I hope I see you there.

I wrote this a long time ago, but based on this morning's experience, it is still relevant.

How To Make Coffee

1) Walk into kitchen, scratch head and yawn.

2) Open refrigerator door and look for something. It doesn't matter what, because you don't yet know what you are looking for.

3) Close refrigerator and open freezer door. Stare into freezer until the escaping cold starts numbing your toes and you remember what you are looking for.

4) Take coffee out of freezer and put it on the counter.

5) Get coffee filter and put it into appropriate recepticle in coffee machine.

6) Put coffee beans in filter.

7) Pour water into coffee pot.

8) Close freezer door.

9) Notice that the coffee beans seem a bit coarse, remove them from the filter and put them into the grinder.

10) Grind beans by placing one hand over your ears and the other on the grinder. Note that the whine from the grinder is just as painful, no matter which ear your hand covers.

11) Pour beans into coffee pot. Stare in fascination as the brown specs float on the water.

12) Repeat steps 1 through 10, and skip step 11. This time pour beans into filter.

13) Place filter on top of coffee pot, and place both into coffee machine.

14) Go to front door and begin search for newspaper. Search in all of the common places including under the car, in the bushes, and on the roof.

15) Having searched unsuccessfully, you may now go inside, secure in the knowledge that the paper will soon arrive.

16) Get coffee cup from dish washer.

17) Wash coffee cup, but don't start dish washer. It's too noisy.

18) Stare at coffee maker willing coffee to appear.

19) When this gets too boring, turn coffee maker on.

20) Repeat search for newspaper.

21) Sit down at table and start rereading yesterday's newspaper.

22) Check the clock and realize you are running out of time. Race to your bedroom and rapidly get dressed for work.

23) Leave house, get in car, and start driving to work. Observe paper delivery car coming from other direction.

24) As you are waiting in line to get on the freeway, remember that you forgot to turn off the coffee machine and never did get a cup of coffee.

25) Call your wife on your cellular phone. Note with detached disinterest that phone doesn't answer. Speculate on the odds that the coffee maker will ignite and burn down the house.

26) Continue to work, and buy lousey coffee from a machine.

I had all these plans for the Holiday break. I was going to clean up the garage, update my 2008 budget, sort and cull my massive MP3 collection; but instead, I came down with a cold on Christmas Eve. I don’t do sick well. Can you say, "Grumpy Grandpa?" Of all the goals I set for myself, two had hard deadlines that I had to deliver on. I am scheduled to talk to my Rotary chapter about The Mankind Project on January 8 th , and this article for the Bellingham Business Journal is due in Vanessa Blackburn’s hands by January 4 th . And it is now New Year’s Eve.

I had tried repeatedly to find the muse for this article and failed miserably. Can you say, "Panic rising?" I certainly did not want to let Vanessa down; but I was getting nowhere fast.

Since I was stuck on the BBJ article, I decided to focus instead on my Rotary talk. My first attempt was an utter failure, at least according to my wife and finest critic. She sent me back to the drawing boards only half way through what I had written.

Somewhat humiliated and grumpy (I still have the darn cold), I cut and chopped and got the talk down to its essence: What is the Mankind Project, who started it, what’s it all about, etc. Historical fact. Maybe a bit dry, but nothing if not relatively safe.

I ran the talk past the Rotary program chair (he was seated at the time) and he liked it, but I noticed that he stopped reading half way through. Somehow, our conversation wandered to boats and kids and when we got back to the talk, he reassured me that it would be fine. Rotary members love getting to know their fellow members better, and that’s what the talk would accomplish.

Well, one down, one to go; but I still had no clue of what to write about for Vanessa.

About a week ago, I sent out an email request on one of the Mankind Project email lists asking for help with the Rotary talk from other men who may have made similar presentations. I got one short email with some information about the local history of MKP, but other than that, the silence was scary. Had my email stopped working?

Tonight, the very last evening of the year, I got an email from another Mankind Project member in Rochester, NY telling me he had been through the same experience I was anticipating, and that he had felt the same anxiety I was feeling. He told me how he approached his talk, and I found myself mesmerized by his ideas; but they were very risky. Instead of talking about the history of MKP, he asked the audience, "How many of you are divorced? How many of you have children who are divorced or separated? How many have of you have siblings or friends who were divorced or separated? How many of you have experienced some sort of loss, breakup or breakdown of an important relationship?"

By this time, pretty much everyone had their hand up. He had their attention. Then he asked the audience to tell him what are some of the things that break up relationships. They answered with things like "Communication breakdown, lack of intimacy and trust, inability to listen to each other," and the list grew rapidly.

He shared his own history of difficulties with his wife and children, and the impact that his work with The Mankind Project had had on him. He told them a few relevant details about the New Warrior Training Adventure that is MKP’s flagship training, and about the growth that had happened inside him by sitting in circle with other men on a regular basis and examining his life. He talked about how his relationship with his children had transformed and how deeply they connected with him now. He didn’t sugar coat anything. He was open and vulnerable with his fellow Rotarians.

His approach was scary and risky. If I use that approach, I run the risk of making many people in my audience quite uncomfortable, and these are people I must live and work with on a daily basis. I am not a trained counselor; to the contrary, I am a computer programmer who spends most of his time lost in software design problems. I am not at all sure I can pull this off with the same grace and honesty that my friend did; but I have made a decision. I am going to ask my fellow Rotarians to decide whether I give the safe talk or the risky one. Do I play it safe and tell them the history of MKP and the New Warrior Training Adventure or do I step into my fears and ask myself and my fellow Rotarians to take a risk?

Which choice do you think they will make?

Bob Jones, 12.31/07

Thanksgiving today is extra special. It is Kylie's second birthday and Travis, Jen and Dylan came home from the hospital. Both Kylie and her cousin Dylan were born two days before Thanksgiving. And my brother, Tim and his family slogged their way up I-5 from Samamish to join us for the big event.

Dylan (nicknamed Dill Pickle by his cousins Rachel and Emily) is the first born son of Travis, the first born son of Bob (me), the first born son of Bob (my dad), the first born son of Bob (my grandfather), who was, I believe also a firstborn son. I guess that makes him a good candidate for an alpha male.

Here are several pictures taken today.

Dylan slept through the chaos as family arrived.	Mother and Son.
Travis and Jen make it home from the hospital.	Donna has some moments with Dylan, her first grandson.
Lisa, Travis' sister meets her new nephew.	Lisa, Travis' sister, and Kylie, Lisa's daughter meet Dylan
Kyle checks out her cousin.	Kylie ponders the meaning of it all.

My eldest son, Travis and his wonderful wife, Jen gave me my first grandson today. It was a three day labor for Jen, and she is understandably drained, but the baby is (as they all are) quite beautiful. Travis and Jen have decided to name him Dylan Jones.

Travis and son Dylan

Dylan takes a bath

Grandpa and Grandson

The family unit (sans Obie who was sitting patiently in my car)

Father and Son

Just over 32 years ago, my dad met his first grandson, Travis. He passed away just a few years later. I miss him.

It occurred to me in the shower tonight that there is a piece of history in the name, "The Socrates Group" that may take explaining. If you carefully examine my resume , you will see that I was the founder and president of The Socrates Group from 1991 to 1999 it was acquired by Etelos Corporation .

I became one of seven founders of Etelos and stayed with them until September, 2000 when I had to lay everyone off except Ahmad Baitalmal , the finest programmer I have ever known. We had raised a couple million when the Internet reality pie hit everyone in the face in March, 2000. The money dried up overnight and by August, it was clear that a thorough retrenching was in order. I laid myself off with most everyone else, but Ahmad stayed on, along with the three Kolke brothers lead by Danny , the youngest and the one with the passion and leadership that started the whole thing.

Danny is a pretty amazing fellow. He is a world class piano player, and a man who simply doesn't quit. He and his brothers Ray and Desmond hung on and Etelos is back with a vengeance. Etelos has had more lives than the luckiest of cats. It started in 1999 as a sales training company. It then mutated into a referral selling tool. Now it is behind CRM For Google and a gaggle of other tools to support the sales process.

We started Etelos in June and I hired Ahmad in November. Ahmad is about 6’6” and was at the time close to 400 pounds. Physically, he is huge, but he is one of the gentlest people I know. He was born in Saudi Arabia and taught himself English by listening to the radio. To listen to him now, you would never know that he is not a native born American.

Ahmad is the genius behind all of Etelos transformation over the years. He created the engine at the heart of Etelos’ technology. Danny is the promoter. He is a low-key introvert who is one of the best salesmen I have ever seen. But most of all, Danny and Ahmad have demonstrated persistence. They simply hung in through the toughest of times and now show all the signs of being an overnight sensation.

I left in 2000 because I could clearly see that Ahmad was more critical to Etelos’ survival than I was. That was one of my best decisions ever, at least for Danny and Ahmad. But now, seven years later, I have changed the name of the business I started three years ago with Dick DeWaard from DeWaard and Jones to The Socrates Group.

Moving back in time, I started The Socrates Group (Version 1) in 1991 after I left Microsoft Consulting Services. I taught a course called “New Architectures For Enterprise Computing” all over North America and even twice in Caracas, Venezuela. I taught at Intel, AT&T, the US Army and I taught hundreds of KPMG’s consultants about advanced computing concepts and architectures. It was great fun and I met thousands of great people.

The Socrates Group was me and my wife, Donna, working out of our house in Redmond. I traveled about two and a half weeks each month and learned my way around just about every airport in America. I learned to evaluate a hotel room in less than 10 seconds. I was a true Road Warrior. I even have the fleece jacket to prove it. I got great evaluations and loved teaching; but after seven years, the travel got quite boring and I longed to roll up my sleeves and dive back into the programming trenches. Enter Danny Kolke.

After leaving Etelos, I walked through the valley of the shadows of the Internet melt-down, the earthquake of early 2001 and the realization that there was a golden (but scary) opportunity in the midst of the chaos of those times.

Donna and I had never felt at home in Redmond. After much thought and investigation and a slap up side of the head from our eldest son, Travis, we realized that Bellingham had all the qualities of the place we wanted to settle down except good paying jobs. We set our sights on unloading our house in Redmond in the middle of a housing slump and chased the market downward through 9/11 and into November, 2001 until we finally sold it for a huge discount over what it was worth a year later.

I had made a practice of coming to Bellingham at least one day a week from June through December simply to meet people. By the time we arrived in our massive U-Haul truck at 10:00AM on January second,2002, we had a pretty good idea of what Bellingham was like. Donna had a job within two weeks, but it took me six months before I landed a job with Office Systems Northwest. Ron Taylor hired me, but could never quite figure out what to do with me. I wasn’t cut from the hard-core salesman model that were his roots, and I wasn’t very good at (or interested in) fixing computers. I realized pretty quickly that if I wanted to make a decent living in Bellingham, I would have to start my own business.

I stayed with OSNW until the end of 2003 when Dick and I started DeWaard and Jones. When Dick and I decided in the spring of 2007 that it made good sense for me to buy out his shares in the business, I knew that we had to change the name. “DeWaard and Jones” was a pun on DeWaard and Bode (started by Dick’s father), but it wasn’t a very good or useful pun. Most often, people thought were some sort of financial services company.

It took me many brainstorming meetings with Syd Cole and Kate Clark before I finally realized that it was time to return to my roots and revive The Socrates Group, the second time around. So if you wondered about that apparent déjà view in my resume, now you know the story.